I’ve had a few similar questions to this before, so don’t feel you’re the only one who has ever been jealous of their friend, but believe me when I say your jealousy is the biggest problem here!

It seems like you are so focused on the fact that your friend is popular and outgoing that you are letting it get in the way of your doing the same. Jealousy, though we often can’t help it, is ugly and can make us very unapproachable to others. We might alter our behaviour in a bid to become noticed more… but has the effect of rendering us more unattractive because we behave not in a natural, friendly way, but might even become a little obnoxious and too loud.

Your friend is as she is. If she’s a bit ditzy, that doesn’t mean she’s unkind or unfriendly. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. She is attractive to others because she’s obviously very friendly, a little outgoing, and doesn’t take herself or others too seriously. Which is a very attractive quality that comes with being a little ditzy because it makes you a very easy person to be around and hang out with. Also, given that she has no feelings for that boy, it’s naturally much easier for her to go right up to him and strike up a friendship because she doesn’t really care whether he ends up liking her or not.

So stop feeling sorry for yourself. I don’t think you’re unlucky. I’m sure if you gave yourself the chance, you would be just as lovely and fun to hang out with- but to do that, you have to be yourself and not try and match some ‘ideal’ that your friend is. It may be that you naturally aren’t bubbly or ditzy. That’s okay. You don’t have to dumb yourself down. You can work on laughing and smiling more during conversation, on becoming better at ‘lighter’ conversation.

I remember once realising that each time someone asked me how I was, I’d always say ‘Okay’ or ‘Not bad’… even if they were mere acquaintances. And then I realised that they weren’t my best friends, so why give them a negative response? Why not respond with a cheerful and upbeat ‘Great! How are you?’… people who are more cheerful or happy are naturally more attractive to us, even if we ourselves are feeling down. Because the last thing you want when you yourself are feeling like crap is someone who is feeling just the same!

If you need more pointers on socialising, read the book ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’ by Dale Carnegie. It’s a very valuable read that will not only get you thinking about how you’re interacting with others and how you could improve, but make you more perceptive as to what makes you a more attractive person to others. (And I use the term ‘attractive’ not in the romantic sense here).

But, again, you need to stop fixating so much on your friend. She’s your friend. Celebrate her good qualities, and forgive her bad ones. Naturally, as you know her better than others, you will be more aware of her faults. Similarly, you should be more forgiving of these faults than others because you’re friends.

She sounds very lovely. Rather than begrudging her social success, why not ask her for help? I’m sure she would. You could ask her for pointers on how to improve your socialising- and even on what that boy you like might be interested in to give you hints for conversation starters. Let her help you. It was my uni friend who gave me the best (and only) real advice I ever needed, a week into uni. She said I needed to smile more, because not only did I look so much friendlier and better (we all do) when I did, but I wasn’t as serious a person as I seemed from afar. Lo and behold, once I did, everything became much easier!

x Anya

Firstly, I think you most certainly should remain friends. She’s obviously going through a hard time at the moment and, while I’m sure at first she may have thought she was clever of fun by drinking and hooking up, she at some point lost control and has now realised just how far she’s gone and wants to pull back. She’ll need help and support for that, and that’s where you come in as her friend. We can’t just leave friendships when they start getting difficult or the going is a little tough. She hasn’t done anything bad to YOU, has she? She has made decisions you disagree with- but that’s fine, again, because they don’t affect you, do they? It would be very unfair of you to leave her at this time in her life.

I also want you to know she probably won’t change overnight. What you should do, for now, is listen and be unjudgmental. You obviously have different moral codes. There’s nothing too wrong in hooking up with randoms. It’s not very classy, nor is it great for one’s reputation, but if she likes doing that sort of thing, then that’s her decision.

Meet up with her, and get her to talk about what’s been going on with her. I’m sure she has a lot she needs to get off her chest. Once she has, ask her what she wants to do about it. Let her make all her own decisions. You can offer an opinion, but she has to ultimately help herself while having your support. Does she want to set limits for herself when she goes out next? Maybe no alcohol- or one drink- with no smoking, and a limit as to what she does when she’s with a boy? If you together come up with a plan for what she can and can’t do in future, then she probably won’t find herself in this situation again.

What you’ve described isn’t uncommon. It probably happens a little later in most peoples’ lives- very common behaviour once kids hit the uni age. Many will party too hard initially, make a few mistakes, and then pull back and realise how to party responsibly. Hopefully that will be the lesson your friend will take from this. We can’t change what she’s already done, but hopefully you can together find a way to help her so that she won’t end up in the same predicament again.

x Anya

I’m really sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. But I think you really do need to see a doctor- or even a school counsellor. You don’t necessarily have to go on medication, but I think you do need some regular professional help to get you through this, because you are obviously going through a lot at present.

Let’s first discuss your grandparents- if they compare you to someone else, tell them you are your own person, and would appreciate it if they don’t compare you to others. It’s not rude- they are the rude ones in trying to compare you to a 2 year old. You don’t need to hear that sort of thing because, without knowing you, even I can tell you it’s not true and just nasty and disheartening for no reason. You don’t need that.

I’m sorry to hear that someone is sick. That must be very difficult. But it’s not up to you to make them better either. That’s the role of their doctors. All you can do is be there for them and try to support and love them through whatever they are going through.

When it comes to motivation, the first thing you need to do is have enough will power to acknowledge that you need to change your current situation. I think you’ve made that step simply by writing in here. That’s good. Now, you need to take that next step and see a teacher or school counsellor about it at school. They can really help you- not only by giving you constant advice on how to improve how you’re feeling, but by keeping a watch on your progress and even by lessening your school workload accordingly.

You sought help here- that’s good. Don’t be afraid of taking the next step and seeing a trusted teacher or counsellor at school. I honestly think it would be the best thing you could do for yourself now.

x Anya

Have you seen a doctor about this? You may need some stronger medication given your travel sickness is so bad. And what’s enetophobia? I looked it up and it’s a fear of pins… but I’m not entirely sure how that will factor into your school trip?

Try chewing mint gum (mint is a natural anti-emetic) or even chewing mint lollies throughout the trip. I also find pleasant scents help me out so maybe take a bottle of lavender essential oil (which is relaxing) or even mint oil and sniff it whenever you start feeling sick. Even rub some lavender oil on your temples. It’s a very naturopathic approach, but I find it helps. Even take a face washer, put some cool water on it, and keep it on your forehead, eyes. It will soothe and relax you.

On a personal note, I used to have quite terrible travel sickness when I was younger. I found that once movies came on airplanes, I was able to watch them and, through focussing on them, didn’t get sick because I was distracted. Maybe you can take an iPod and listen to your favourite music… or even a laptop and watch dvds? Don’t read, and don’t listen to any music that might give you a headache or worsen your sickness (definitely not Vertigo by U2… or any films involving vomiting scenes!)

During the trip, don’t touch any junk food (quite common on road trips). If you eat anything, have plain bread- maybe with a little cheese. Something like bread is best because it won’t upset your stomach so much. Try not to eat too much. It’s only a 7 hour trip so you’ll survive with only a little food. If you are vomiting, it’s important to keep hydrated so make sure you take plenty of water with you. I don’t know if these are available where you’re from, but a drink with electrolyte mixes in them are good because they’ll keep your fluids in check. You don’t want to be fainting all over the place from dehydration!

Worst comes to worst, I suggest you take a seat near the bathroom on the coach (I assume there will be one), and take a couple of bags with you in case you don’t make it in time. Tell your friends about your travel-sickness so they expect it, and hopefully can be sympathetic and help you out. Even a funny conversation with friends might help because it too will distract you and keep you positive. The less you focus on being sick, the better! (Also, while on the ferry, walking around might help. If not- keep very still!)

Good luck. Again, I advise you see a doctor for some real anti-emetic medication if you think it’s really severe. Otherwise, I hope my tricks help out and that you enjoy your trip to France nonetheless!

x Anya

Well, I too am Christian and am in fact going to Catholic Mass this evening to sing in the choir.

What I am not, is extremist. And a lot of the readings you’ve probably seen online regarding Tarot cards are. They are probably from close-minded people who try to find any excuse to label something as witchcraft. Heck, go on Lady Gaga’s video comments and you’ll see those sorts of people in their full force!

I don’t see anything wrong with it! As I said, I too am Christian, and yet have always been fascinated by mythology- to the point where it features quite strongly in most of my writing. Just because you’re fascinated by it and use some cards for self-reflection, it doesn’t make you a ‘Witch’… (and even so, it wouldn’t bother me if you were, but we won’t go into that now).

Mythology and fantasy stories are just that- stories. Some people believe in them and that too is fine. But it’s fun and nice to sometimes escape to a world where such creatures or myths come alive in our imaginations.

I just don’t see how there’s anything wrong with playing with some tarot cards. You can’t cause anyone any harm… so what’s the problem?

Again, I’m more liberal than many of the Christians out there. Given you’re surrounded by people with rather strict views, I advise you keep your views and your cards to yourself. If they indeed are used for personal reflection, then I see no need for you to flaunt them about. There’s no need to tell anyone. Keep it personal, and everyone (including you) will be happy!

x Anya

Dear ShyWriter

Firstly- thank you! I’m very excited too! Official release date is tomorrow!

Now, I can say that I absolutely relate to you and can freely admit I still am very protective of my writing. Only 3 of my closest friends know my pen name, and only 1 has read all my works- and that was only after I had accrued a considerable amount of reviews online. Oh, and my mother read Stained Glass the other weekend. That was the first time she’d ever read any of my writing.

Given that I’ve got a book coming out tomorrow, that probably sounds strange. But I don’t apologise for feeling this way. I’ve thought about it quite a bit, and I think it largely stems down to this-

Writing- as is any art form- is a very personal act. We often put a bit of ourselves in our characters without even realising it, and will usually spend an exorbitant amount of time, emotions and effort in writing up a story of considerable length. Thus, receiving criticism on our works is often quite difficult to take. But it’s not just about criticism- often it can be simply about not wanting someone you know to have such a clear insight to your soul (because we often pour our heart and soul in our works)

So why is it easier to post stories online? Well, there’s the barrier of a pen name, and probably a lot of distance. Your online readers don’t know you personally- so any criticism may be more a judge of your writing than your character. If your friends dislike your writing, it’s much harder to swallow because you probably take it more as a criticism of your character and who you are.

On a more basic level, I think criticism in any form from a friend is rarely taken well. It’s always easier to take criticism from someone you don’t know- or a teacher, for example, whose role is to point out any flaws in your work. Before you even put your work out there, you’re aware that’s the role of the relationship between reader and writer and hence are prepared for both praise or criticism (on the flip side, praise coming from a complete stranger is always so much better than from a friend). You don’t care whether a faceless online reader likes your work or you. You hope they do, but you’re not really expecting anything off them. When it comes to friends, however, you always are (even on a purely subconscious level).

Personally, I advise you to carry on NOT showing your work to your friends, as do many writers and editors I’ve spoken to on the subject. They can never offer you truly good advice. If they criticise any aspect of your writing, you’ll almost certainly take it much worse than you ought to… and if they praise your work, you won’t really believe them but think they’re ‘just saying it’.

I have quite a few friends who want to get their hands on a copy of Stained Glass. I’ll probably let them in on the big secret of my pen name so they can get a copy. If they read it, though, I think I’ll make a point of not asking their opinion… because nothing they say can actually help. If they say a half-hearted ‘yeah, it was good’, I’ll only get more upset than I should. As I said, I only have one friend whom I trust with my writing and whose opinion I actually really value when it comes to criticism.

As for your friend… I’ve already stated my opinion of friends sharing their writing. We will always be our worst critics. It’s your opinion that she writes better… but perhaps others wouldn’t see it that way. Or perhaps her vocabulary and use of language is better, but you come up with more interesting plots. Then we arrive to the Style vs Substance argument which I won’t go into here.

I think it’s best that you don’t compare yourself to others when you write. It will only upset you unnecessarily. You write stories you feel passionately about. You should always work on your use of language and vocabulary. But that’s as far as it should go. Readers have such diverse interests when it comes to reading that while you find her story better, others might prefer yours. It’s all a matter of personal taste!

Hope that helps. Good luck with your writing!

x Anya

Well it sounds like you want to get into an Arts course, something involving Journalism, I would imagine. I can’t say I’m an expert on what you need to do to get into college or the courses colleges offer. I suggest you speak to a careers counsellor (or perhaps even your English teacher at school) regarding that.

Generally speaking, one doesn’t just start freelance writing right away. You’d have to go to college and do some form of degree related to it. During this degree, I’m sure you’ll be given a lot of information about how to go about achieving your career goal- so it doesn’t really matter that you don’t know what to do right now. So long as you have a vague idea that you want to end up freelance writing, and what course you ought to study to help you the most with achieving this goal, that’s all you really need to know for now!

And, if everything doesn’t quite go according to plan with your becoming a freelance writer, I’m sure you’ll be able to find some other kind of job similar to it. If not, at least you tried! It’s never too late to go back and study again for another career. But I advise you not worry about failing right now. Know your goal, and do everything in your power to achieve it.

x Anya

I agree. You don’t understand- which is why I’m going to tell you quite bluntly you need to cut them off. Yes, there may have been some happy times which you shared, but they are quite obviously the root of all your problems-

You haven’t made new friends at your new school because you keep comparing them to your other friends- the ones you’ve put on some pedestal. Just because they’re outgoing and popular, it does not mean they’re nice people or good friends. And, I don’t care what excuses you make for them, they aren’t. Good friends DON’T exclude one member of the group for no apparent reason, and then be horrible to you about it when you try confronting them about it. I’ve seen my fair share of good and bad friends, and I can assure you they undoubtedly belong to the latter category.

I also think a part of you doesn’t want to make new friends at school, because you feel that you would then be letting go of your elementary school friends. I mean what I’m about to say in the nicest way, you sounded a little ‘snobby’ when describing these new friends. Just because they’re not as popular or outgoing as your elementary school friends, doesn’t mean they wouldn’t make you feel great about yourself and really happy. I’m not saying this as a general rule, but the less popular groups of friends are often friendlier. There isn’t this ridiculous sense of a code of behaviour you need to maintain to keep up your ‘popular’ image. I’m sure that if you made a real effort with these new friends, they would not only include you, but make you feel really great about yourself and your friendship.

Counselling is a marvellous idea and you should absolutely go. It doesn’t mean you’ve hit rock bottom. It means you need a little help in clarifying what’s going on and, as you and I have both agreed- you’re not entirely sure at the moment. A counsellor will really help bring to light what your current friends are, and hopefully show you that you deserve to have friends who will make you feel good about yourself. Friends who will make you laugh and feel included and enrich your life for the better. Not these pseudo-friends who only invite you out when they feel like it, and have no deference for your feelings when they consistently don’t include you on their outings.

I’m very sorry you’ve had to go through this. One of my friends went through the same thing just before we became friends and she too felt very confused and hurt. She too was lovely and hadn’t done anything ‘wrong’, and yet was consistently made to feel terrible and excluded.

It’s hard to accept that someone might do this to another person for no apparent reason. Unfortunately, it does and the only thing to do is to accept it’s happened. Usually there is nothing wrong with the person- and I’d be inclined to think there isn’t anything the matter with you- but the ‘bully’ themselves. Your friends obviously have deep-seated issues that are their problem, not yours. What you need to do now is to rid your life of their negative influence, and work on yourself and learning to become happy again. If you manage to find some new friends who are lovely and including, so much the better. Whatever you do, don’t befriend someone for the sake of their social status. Be friends with them because of who they are- and then you’ll find that person you so desperately wish to connect with.

x Anya

My that does sound awkward- and it doesn’t help that she isn’t helping the situation by always texting/on her iPod (which is actually a little rude, in my opinion, but anyway….)

Have you tried watching movies together? They’re usually my fail safe trick whenever a family friend I hardly know or get along with comes over. Maybe you two could walk (?) to a local video store and she could pick out a film she’s interested in seeing and you could watch it together… and, after you’ve seen it, you’ll have a talking point in the film.

Or perhaps you two could go out while your parents are catching up? Just for a walk or something. Sometimes, being in the awkward confines of someone else’s house makes conversation difficult.

My last resort would be to actually ask her if there’s anything she’s actually like to do. I mean, if you’re going to be spending all this time together regardless, why not come up with something together that you’d like to do. I can hardly imagine that texting all evening would be fun. Maybe if you two came up with plans for those evenings that didn’t revolve around your parents, then it wouldn’t be so awkward i.e. maybe there’s a concert or new movie she’d like to see- or some kind of local activity she’d like to try out (i.e. ice skating etc).

If it was a one off meeting, I’d say just stick it out inside the house, but it seems these are very regular… so I really think you both ought to work together to make these evenings more interesting for you both!

x Anya

Well why not tell her all this? I think you should sit her down and tell her that you love her as a friend, but this behaviour of hers in general- and it sounds like it has happened numerous times- is starting to grate on you, but also make you anxious and upset.

Tell her you don’t want to start a fight or an argument, but in the future you would appreciate if she give you some space should such a situation crop up again. If you have something to tell her, you will tell her when you’re ready- not when she’s ready. Its YOUR news and you are the one who should decide when she finds.

I think if you sit her down and tell her this out of the context of a specific event (i.e. not while she’s pestering you for news about something), then she’ll possibly pay more attention to what you’re trying to say as you’re pointing out a general ‘character flaw’.

x Anya

Yes, they took up far too much of my time and I’ve had to really cut back my work here with the upcoming release of Stained Glass (tomorrow!)

I’m sorry if anyone still wants love advice from me, but I’m sure there are other advice tumblrs out there offering relationship advice.

x Anya

I need more detail to answer this- who are these people, what’s the living situation, and exactly how are they ruining your life?

x Anya

Dear B,

What you’re describing isn’t abnormal, and I’m not altogether convinced it’s a problem. Some of us are louder than others- it doesn’t necessarily mean we’re shy or have confidence issues. You’ll actually find that those in a group who are the loudest and interrupt might be the ones with the confidence issues- because they’re desperate for attention. Being a good listener isn’t a bad trait at all and I know many people who sound exactly like you- and I don’t think anyone ever has a lower opinion of them. If anything, they might be preferred over the boistrous ones in the group.

But you feel it’s a problem, so I’m going to try giving you some advice nonetheless. Do you perhaps overthink things? The adage of ‘think before you speak’ is good… but perhaps someone might be saying something and you think up something very witty, but then spend to much considering whether you really ought to say it or not… and by the time you make a decision, the moment’s gone?

It takes a bit of courage to interrupt, or speak out… but unless you say something really terrible (which I doubt you would), people will either laugh in agreement- or perhaps at you which, again, isn’t necessarily a bad thing so long as you’re good about it and laugh with them. It’s also a good trait to be able to laugh at yourself.

Don’t be afraid to offer your own anectdotes on topics, or speak about yourself. Perhaps, rather than lacking confidence, you are just a very private person. Again, not a bad thing… but if you want to contribute to conversation, you generally need to offer up a few of your own experiences or funny memories on a topic…. and others generally appreciate that because it means what they’ve said has been interesting enough for you to expand upon that topic.

Again, I don’t think your situation is necesarily a bad one. Don’t feel the need to suddenly dominate group conversations but, of course, if you could offer up a few experiences or memories or even witty retorts, you would probably be noticed a bit more in the group!

x Anya

It does sound like you’re suffering from an extreme form of anxiety, and I’m glad that you’re getting help. That seems like something a bit more serious than I can deal with in one little response here.

There are 2 suggestions I have for you- and I think one will probably help you a little more than the other.

The first is this- you’re only 18. It’s true, you don’t know what life has in store for you and how long you can live. I could give you an average life expectancy, but you could live well above (I hope) or below it. 

The point is, we are only living in this world or life for a set amount of time. If we spend it worrying about dying- then aren’t you in fact wasting your life worrying about death? Why not focus on living now. When death comes- then it comes. But for now, you are living- so LIVE! Live for every moment, and enjoy it. If you are so terrified of death, then shouldn’t you want to make each moment you are living count? To really mean something?

Don’t allow yourself to question the whole ‘death’ concept so much, because it’s obviously having a detrimental effect on you and, as I said, it’s obviously inhibiting from really living and enjoying your life which, at 18, you definitely should be doing!

2/ Now, this I think might really help you in a way a psychiatrist/psychologist can’t. Are you religious? Many religions offer explanations for life after death and, if you believe in them, really offer many people comfort in time of dying, or when others around them might depart. If you’re not already religious, then you might like to consider it. Christianity, for example, offers Heaven, Buddhism will offer reincarnation… etc

Whether they are real or not, one will never know. But life can be really difficult at times, and sometimes it helps to have a belief in something higher than us, here on this earth. That there is, in fact, more to life than this. It’s just a thought.

Nonetheless, life here on earth can be as beautiful or as depressing as you want- it depends on what you make of it… and, most people who have lived a full and rich life tend not to fear death so much as those who haven’t.

So, aside from getting help for your anxiety, I think you should focus on living in the moment. What will come will come, but now is what counts.

x Anya